Originally written on April 11, 2006.
For whatever reason, I do not want to mention his name. That is why I am masking him as ‘DIET’. I am posting Yuuki Kadooka’s picture because the kid looks much like him. I could see the resemblance.
DIET is a year older than I am, we attended the same school at some point in our lives. We may not regard ourselves as “friends” but “just schoolmates”. I know for a fact that he was aware of my mere existence alone, nothing more, nothing less. While on the other hand, he was the only guy who caught my attention at that time. He was the only one I kept day dreaming and fantasizing of. He was the only man I ever wished of being with.
DIET is a good looking guy. Witted, talented, intelligent, wise, responsible, charismatic, sweet, gentle and caring. He plays almost all sorts of sports, be it ball or mind sports. A gifted musician as well. He has that one special smile that just simply sweeps me off my feet. A mature man he really is. He has that certain depth that you can hardly see on any other guy at this time. DIET is the type who will fight for you, no matter what. With all those things, he’s just so… PERFECT! You could not ask for more. At a very young age, I found what I have been looking for.
But I know that I am just a nobody compared to the ever popular DIET. He hardly noticed me. He seldom throwed his attention on me. I didn’t even know if he has ever seen me. Sometime in our lives, I learned that he was sort of courting the MUSE of our class. Hurt I was but faced it as a soldier does. I even remember teasing the two of them on one Valentine’s Day when DIET was giving her some chocolates. Not a single tear fell off my eyes at that scenario but I could still remember the pain it brought. The truth that he may never like me because of the presence of MUSE. It felt like a dagger slowly being pushed on to my flesh. Ouch! I didn’t even bother to ask what happened to that courting thing for MUSE was my friend and I knew that she liked DIET too.
Two long years have passed, I thought I could forget about him but I never did. That is why I did something. Something I never thought I could do. Then suddenly, he drew attention on me. Attention that I have been dreaming of for the past four years of my life then. Suddenly, he made me feel very special; unique in some sense. Then he raised a question that I have been longing for: “pwede ba kitang maging girlfriend?”. Hearing that, I was happy, gratified, felicitous, afraid, shocked, confused, muddled, befuddled, addled, flustered, kinikilig and all that. Knowing myself, I knew I blushed too (I can’t imagine how red I was… ;p). Thoughts passed so quickly on my head. I imagined things, what might happen and stuffs. My pulse beated 240 times per minute (well, ok! thats an exaggeration. hehe.) I had the feeling of one nervous lunatic folk. The immigration of butterflies in my stomach surprisingly doubled! I even felt a tight – loose bowel movement thingy. I could not believe I could contain such mixed emotions, I haven’t felt that way again eversince.
I even asked him whether he was serious or not for I still have a very fragile, innocent, young heart that time and I do not want anyone to break it into pieces. Few minutes, I waited for my body to return into its homeostatic condition while thinking about the proposition of the only guy i ever dreamed of. “DIET is giving his ‘love’ for me now”, I thought, “it’s just like a dream come true”. I have been wanting to say yes to that for a long, long time. Pinch me, is it really happening? I finally said, “oo, mula ngayon girlfriend mo na ako.” He thank me for saying yes and mentioned that he ‘loves’ me. Without any hesitation, I told him that I love him too. I love him more than he thought I do. True.
We both decided to enter a long distance relationship and were willing to face its unpredictable circumstances. This went on for a week, I was really happy. I even told my best friend and some close friends about it. I kept on recieving daily messages from him. I could feel his ‘love’ for me. Everytime my phone beeps, I am excited to see that he remembered me again. We also had small conversations over the phone. Love for him still growing.
As few more weeks passed, I knew he got tired of our daily “good morning-good afternoon-good night-musta-kumain ka na ba-mis u-love u” routine. He may have fell out of love from me. Maybe, he got bored with a girlfriend like me. I got this strong feeling that he does not love me anymore. I am becoming less and less important to him. He was starting to get cold and I know that anytime soon I might find our relationship ended. Women’s insticts as they say, I was right.
After a very short span of time of being together, Of two months and three days in the realationship, he broke up with me. I can’t help myself but cry. He gave me both the highest and lowest point of my life. It was really hard for me to let go of something I innocently thought would bloom into something special.
I am a college freshman now, delicate no more, courageous perhaps but still loving the same person who gave the scar onto my then young heart. I had some chat with DIET even after the relationship. He told me how was he doing and I did too. He also mentioned the girl that he is presently courting and asked for my opinion. Ask me! well man, that really hurts, if I may say so, that feeling sucks and I sure am not happy with that. It was like boiling myself in my own oil, self-torture in other words.
Now that I am eighteen, I think it’s about time to give up on him. To cease myself from believing that we could still get together sometime. I know somehow that I became special to him. He may not have ‘truly’ loved me but he taught me how to love selflessly. I know it’s bound to happen. I gotta be contented with being just an ex girlfriend. Also a friend, a true one.
I fell in love. I got hurt. I stumbled. I rise. Good thing, I learned my lessons and I’m ready to love again.
Let this entry be my farewell to you DIET. Minahal kita, sana alam mo yan. Pinasaya mo ako, salamat.
PAALAM. GOODBYE. SAYONARA. CIAO. ALOHA. BABAY. FAREWELL. SO LONG. AVISALA
The Flying Mermaid